pandemonium. mayhem. chaos.melee. but the Lord is amidst all these. d0 you see Him? in the eye of the storm, in the eye of the tornado, He is there. do you see Him?
be still.
halt.
be still.
do you see Him? He witnessed you; struggling against the tumultuous grey clouds; running towards where the ominous side looms. by yourself.do you see Him? He sees you. strutting around with arrogance hanging in the air, blessings taken for granted. you have forgotten Him, have you not? do you see Him? gentlemenly, the Almighty One is. violate human will, He will not. can you not sense Daddy brimming with overwhelming, unconditional love?
stop. look. listen.
He is there, till the end of time.
do you see Him?
do youwant tosee Him?
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once upon a time, ah^ya dared to chase her dreams. ah^ya lived her dreams and fear never gripped her. once upon a time, zest and zeal filled my soul. i dared to venture into unchartered waters. i remember the teachers saying that we are going to fall in a death trap should we carry out our expedition. with an incompetent leader(who fortunately left us just 10 days before our expedition), completely student-initiated, and to a rural village where no yep teams ever set foot on, indeed it seemed ominous. i didn't care. so did the other 24. a roller coaster ride of emotions, but we did it. extremely stubborn, so said the teachers. once upon a time, pure and innocent hearts yearning to impact lives around them took baby steps to live their dreams.
remember the poor, pastor eugene said. remember the poor again.
where is the compassion within me? where? how can i walk past tissue vendors and flag sellers without even turning my head? has working in a vwo hardened my heart? am i disappointed with the cruelty in this cold and brutal world? am i burnt out?
2 weeks ago, i was at toa payoh central. i encountered this indian old men perched in his wheelchair, stumps, in place of feet, swinging merrily to the momentum of the hustle bustle of the rushing crowds. he's a tissue vendor, casted right to the side of the pavement where no one seems to care. i went up to uncle to purchase some tissue. uncle was gregarious. i asked uncle if business is good. a slight shake of the head followed.
"aiyo. no good larh. nowadays people just don't stop to buy." uncle lamented. he gave me an extra packet of tissue.
the day after, i met another tissue vendor at bedok. uncle was tanned and was able-bodied. i walked past him, quickening my pace to hide my guilty conscience. my sister asked why did i not stop just like the day before. though looking back, uncle looked slightly dazed and delirious, i felt that this uncle should be able to do some kind of work instead of resorting to selling tissue. he can do something. alas, who am i to judge? am i right to hold this kind of mindset? this is highly debatable. i am highly skeptical too becausethere are evil people (my sister said) who take advantage of poor, lonely elderly folks and people who are mentally or physically challenged. the vendors get a commission from selling the tissues because the evil people are er. suppliers. maybe they get 10cents per tissue packet. i don't know. :(
and i still feel a tinge of guilt whenever i walk past that uncle in bukit merah central. cause i can't do anything.
more than a month ago, when i was trudging to y camp with slight unreluctance buried deep within my heart, qi and i stopped to buy ice-cream from an uncle outside st. gab's. i do not remember what he looks like. we chatted. uncle said that it was really tough to endure the sweltering heat of the sun to vendor ice cream, given his age. we traded casual remarks about the weather, about life, about me, about him. uncle works 7 days a week, yet sales are plunging. before i left with my extra big slab of ice cream, he cajoled me to encourage my peers to support the ice cream vendors.
on top of all these, those uncles are probably...lonely too. i always think that lonely is a sad, sad word. sabishii. will you stop to chat to them?
o Lord, grant me the serenity to accept things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. Heavenly Father, place deep within me compassion that i will never lose. help me to remember the poor again. teach me to shrug off any indifference inside of me. help me to love these people. show me how to appreciate things around me. amen. ------------------------- this is the first time i am blogging on my bed, using my new lappie. :D i can't wait for moh to return me my money cause my bank account looks sorely dismal.
to the girl i met today: hello sylvia, it's you right? :P this is here because my tag will be too long. hahhaa. anyway, i just wanna tell you in case i never see you again. when i was shrinking into cowardice, thinking of hiding all my writings from the prying eyes of this world and hoping that the email gets deleted or lost or pastor's laptop get burnt or something, you popped up and mentioned the testimony. ah, how timely our Heavenly Daddy reveals Himself. and our good ol' Lord gently reminded me of His purpose in my life. to mold me, to use me; to share with others His wondrous work in my life. He used you to talk to me today (even though you didn't know.). thank you. (but i think i will still shriek when i see my testimony on the livingstones blog. hahaha.)
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i love the way kokorobosoi rolls off my tongue. do you remember what it means? it doesn't mean happy. oh no, your jap has regressed. and so has mine. it means helpless.
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disclaimer: i'm insomnic tonight. it is 240am. (my normal bedtime is before 12. haha.) the lappie is cranky. people are not replying my sms-es. i miss people. and thus i am cynical. :) and so explains the lengthy entry. :)
me.
ah^ya
child of God
25th september 1987
18-going-19
hougang kindergarten
st. hilda's primary school
tanjong katong girls' school
victoria junior college
soon-to-be university college london :)
