Wednesday, June 28, 2006
it was good sitting at the rocky shore. to hear sounds of nature creaking from beneath mother earth. to witness the fluffy clouds strewn across the bright blue sky. ripples forming across the surface of the sungei. the mess of grass and plants have definitely grown much taller. my point was proven when i discovered streaks of swelling on my thighs. haha. must be the poisonous grass, and yes, they are up to my thighs. kingfishers diving in to peck at the fishies in the stream. thousands of tadpoles and unknown species of fishes wriggling merrily in the water.
people from all walks of life. little children armed with buckets and fishnets, gallantly traipsing into the water, keen to use their pudgy fingers to nab at least a fish. youngsters, who have grown up in a concrete jungle, desperate to feel a touch of nature so rare in our city. they come with such child-like innocence as they naively discover and appreciate pieces of nature ubiquitous in other countries. old men with peppered hair, reliving their kampung days, are here to while the hours away. squatting by the rocky shores, chatting. scrapping the wet soil to discover crabs scurrying helter-skelter. illegal immigrants hiding behind the bushes, cooking, washing, eating, surviving. look at them as they kayak across the sungei, with their basic necessities in hand.
my sungei is never crowded. my sungei has a place for me. when things didn't seem to go right, i ran there. my Father's presence is always evident there. i vandalised a rock with flappers 2 years ago. the vandalism is washed off. yes. the only thing permanent in life is change.
yes, but i know, my sungei is just a facade of serenity. but i still choose to seek solace there.
ah. i want to be a kampung girl. :
He's my way
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
2) jing shan is a 损友. she cajoled me to buy many things yesterday. now, we have the same bag and the same pair of earrings. tsk, tsk. we met esther and tse tse at cineleisure and heeren yesterday and tse tse looked highly disturbed by my presence. HAHA. but i like to disturb tse tse. :D esther can't be bothered when i disturb her. oh well. :P fong la la! when shall we go swimming? :D
3) i wanna go overseas i wanna go overseas i wanna go overseas! as in a short short holiday. :( like to genting or something.
4) i'm caught up with the materialistic items of the world. oh no. this is bad. someone, please thrust me back to san jaroen village!
5) i'm blessed! very very very very very blessed indeed! God always gives me more that what I ask for. :D but i must remember that blessings are a by-product, not the main reason why we acknowledge our Father.
6) i used to think God lives alone in a vast, empty heaven. with the occasional doves flittering by. i'm wrong. haha. abraham and noah and the rest of the crowds are there, cheering people on.
7) peeling off the happy mask, i'm seeking solace. i really feel quite happy superficially. but i can't say the same on the inside. but Daddy wants me to be a happy girl. ;P yes Lord, that's why i beg you to come and fill me.
8) ah^ya must make decisions again! boo.
He's my way
Sunday, June 25, 2006
hi. PLEASE and i mean PLEAAASSSE let me off next sunday morning so that i can go for post encounter and service!
i promise to be a good facilitator/befriender.
anyway, sunday's programme nothing much what. right anot?
p.s. u very the haaandsooome leh!
Yours Faith-Ful-Ly(yes yes with alot of faith i'm praying.),
yafen
He's my way
this is xiao xiong. haha. so hip leh, he wear singlet. 
lijuan trying to kiss me. YUCKs!
He's my way
verdict: guilty!
-whines-
-squeals-
-shrieks-
pitter patter pitter patter. frantic footsteps pounding across the floor board.
-pause-
tippity tap tap.
kami-sama, tasukete.
He's my way
Thursday, June 22, 2006
i have not been doing anything constuctive this past week. i've been to the movies with my cell sisters(aiyo. not that nice la. haha. i fell asleep halfway :P the movie is cars, by the way). i've been to a bbq with my tk gang. i've brought my ah kong and ah mah out for lunch, and we went to giant to buy malichai. i went to see xiao xiong and we went out for lunch. i went to take final theory test. i went to the airport to makan with jingz and ver. that's what i have been doing for the past 4 days. oh i went to ntuc twice. haha.
yesterday, i was at the airport, 2 and a half hours early. there i was, at the long-forgotten, dilapidated viewing gallery of terminal one. (ok it is dilapidated to me because the tiles were all yellow with age. the lights were dim. stark contrast to terminal two.) i plopped myself comfortable at one of the seats. with the sword of the spirit in hand, i wanted to do quiet time but i found myself staring intensely at the immobile planes far ahead. no movement. i'll be there on 18th sept. T_T my eyes occasionally flicked to the bizzare-ly shaped lights that surrounded the arena. i guess i didn't blink for a long while and suddenly the Almighty One spoke. "I will always watch over you, wherever you go." yeaah. this reassurance comforted me aloot cause i know i wont lose Him in london. amen! strangely, after that, i manage to tear my eyes off the scenary splattered in front of me and i opened the bible.
some stuff that happened in the cell left me nonplussed and befuddled. i've just been gone for a week! or maybe it is the exaggerated speeches my cell sisters delivered. haha. let's all pray.
"Then we will no longer be like children, forever changing our minds about what we believe because someone has told us something different or because someone has cleverly lied to us and made the lie sound like the truth. Instead, we will hold to the truth in love, becoming more and more in every way like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church." - ephesians 4:14-15
He's my way
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
the sky holds many answers. really.
He's my way
i have chosen my cluster! i chose national healthcare group. the one with tan tock seng, institute of mental health, national university hospital and alexandra hospital. and i think that they would want me to choose my hospital before i embark on my studies. the night before i submitted the form, i asked the Lord to affirm me. guess what He said? He said anything la, just step out in faith and do what you have to. -_______- haha. ok.
2 nights ago, Daddy entered my dreams and He told me to let meijin guide me. i was like haaaaaaaaar. isn't she my cell leader already? she's leading and guiding me isn't it? i didn't really think much of it until i saw jennifer online. i told her. she said that though meijin might be busy and she has her share of challenges and troubles too, but if we do not rely on her as our cell leader, she will fail her duty. sometimes i do feel rather apprehensive about sharing issues with her because i am afraid to burden and trouble her. i don't know how to share. but since the Lord told me that, i shall trust and obey, albeit difficult. and i am still very puzzled why Daddy said that. in time, He will tell. help me, Daddy!
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when i was young and when i started to believe in our heavenly Daddy, and i didn't know how to pray, this was what i said everyday.
i just came to tell you
how happy i have been.
since we found each other
you took away my sins
i don't know what to say
but i think of you everyday
so Jesus,
this is yafen checking in.
i was convinced by the crowds that prayers were filled with flowery languages, something sweet to the ears. i didn't know how to pray. and i said that every night in place of praying. now, i know. i know that praying is just a form of communication with our Lord and i don't have to use bombastic words or something other people will go wooooooow. it is just... simply talking to God like a friend. now i know. :)
Lord, i know you can hear me. :)
He's my way
Monday, June 19, 2006
y camp training camp:
unfortunately, to put it in a nice way, my expectations of camps are relatively high and since this is the first time they are organising a training camp, i suppose it must be a pretty good effort for them. yes, we spent alot of time watching and waiting for them to organise themselves. oh yar, y camp is an outdoor camp for people with intellectual challenges. the volunteers are from very diverse backgrounds. there wasn't really much training, just dessemination of information i have heard before.
and i don't agree with alot of things alicia said.
but i'm certain i will enjoy myself. :)
under no roof famine camp:
i think i'm a lousy facilitator. haha. my team's father reminded me so much of alaric, negative connotation. ala is a nice guy in certain ways la. haha. i wonder how ala is. haven't seen him or talked to him for sooo long! and to think that we were good friends once.
the fasting.. wasn't really fasting. ashamed to admit, i didn't really pray so.. i guess it was considered dieting instead of fasting for me. i can't imagine the chronic hunger that the impoverished children endure every single day. i wasn't that hungry. impoverished children don't have soya bean or winter melon tea to drink for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper.
what impacted me most was not the simulation, not the fasting, not the newspaper collection, not the concert, not the people, but a question a girl threw to the crowd during debriefing.
she was highly agitated. she was so emotional she was screaming into the mike. she was extremely upset that we were having fun during the famine camp when there are so many people dying and suffering outside. she thought that we were supposed to do something more sustainable and effective such as packing food for the people(yes, she really said packing food). she didn't see and understand the purpose of this camp and she wanted to do something immediately and not in the future for the people. she said that we can obtain information from the internet they taught us during the camp, so why are we here? and it went on and on for a few minutes. yes, she really said all that.
this led to a fiery debate amidst 600 people in the cultural centre. and i'm proud to say that we are pretty spontaneous. i thought we would all sit there and keep quiet.
that lady received alot of rebuttal but i still applaud that lady for even bringing up this question. i think behind her question and her making a scene, is a pure and innocent heart. she really wants to help and she wants to do it immediately. if she thinks that the famine camp did not do anything tangible, she is wrong. firstly, each crane we folded will contribute 100grams of rice to 5 beneficiaries. songhe is sponsoring the rice and we folded about 10800 cranes in all. that is about 1080kg of rice. secondly, the newspaper collection drive on the 2nd day will also indirectly contribute to helping children in vietnam, cambodia, uzbekistan, africa and somewhere. yes, the money from collection drive can actually go up to the thousands and will be donated to these countries. thirdly, this is a platform to raise awareness about the situation outside our sheltered homeland. about justice, poverty, aids, poverty housing, broken families. as one of the facilitators mentioned, teach a man to fish instead of fishing for him. yes, at this camp, we were taught about the plight of many underpriviledged(how to spell.) and through this, we can step out of our comfort zone, we can initiate many projects and in the long run, effect sustainable changes in the community, local or overseas. and it doesn't have to be immediate. i'm sure many heartstrings were tugged at and many saw powerful visual images that they won't forget. now that we are aware of the situation, we can start doing something. ask ourselves, what did we bring home after this camp? i still need time to reflect. i thank God yiwei and i hold our own debriefing after every event. haha.
ronin came. they were bad. they were crude. hosea said that they won't invite them again. haha.
haphazard entry? yes, i agree. a whirlwind of thoughts i can't express.
p.s. ANNA HAS CHICKEN POX!
He's my way
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
met my fellow scholars today. there are about 5 other speechies, a 150% increase from last year! demand is really growing for speechies. but i'm not sure if all will accept it. and there are very few occupational therapists and physiotherapists this year! it used to dominate the room. but the people really seemed very very nice. :)anyway, i'm really blessed! i am the only person in the room who actually has a choice of country. i am the only speechie who can go to UK. praise the Lord! :) He opened so many doors for me. and there's obs! though it's only 3 days. no kick, no kick. i have allowance during the holidays too! hahhaa. my allowance is higher than my starting pay. and i have to choose my cluster/hospital by next week. the cluster i am going to be attached to for the next 10 years! how how how? should i choose sgh/cgh/kk or tantockseng/nuh/alexandra/imh? haha. the latter sounds more interesting. Lord, where do you want me to go? and i still feel so insecure and unsettled.
ok, enough about this boring talk. i met mou hui on my way to moh today. hahha mou hui is still as cultured and funny as usual. we sat in the park to talk because he ended his physio and i was 20 minutes early. bumming into old friends makes me feel nostalgic all over again.
i'm hungry. -_________________-
He's my way
i got a new digicam! :D just testing out. this is the latest addition to my family. my cousin! :D my niece and my nephew are older than him. yaar. the age gap between the youngest and the oldest cousin is about 40 years.
looking agitated! haha. he is only 3 days old. no name. let's call him xiao xiong.
He's my way
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
last night, the moon was a weird dark orange. i was gawking at this bizzare sight of nature, when suddenly a wave of dark clouds floated by and ate up the moon. ok, not exactly ate up the moon. it covered the moon fully and it disappeared from sight. for a few seconds, i thought that the earth would lose its moon forever. thank God, the dark clouds merrily drifted away and the moon appeared again. :) the Lord then spoke. He said that sometimes, the devil or the evil ones may blind us and shroud us from the Lord and i will not see Him. but know that He is always there for me though i might not see Him. the bad times will pass and i will see the light again. He will never change, from the beginning to the end of times. He wants me to walk joyfully in the light and hold on fast to His steadfast love. i love you, Daddy. :)
Lord, help me.
"Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am"- isaiah 58:9
He's my way
Monday, June 12, 2006
1) remember the atomic bombs that landed on hiroshima and nagasaki (is the name correct?) during world war two? yes, there was this little girl in japan and she suffered from the side effects of the radiation. she wanted to fold a thousand paper cranes for those also suffering from the radiation to get better. alas, she died before she could complete her quest. but her legacy still lives on and till today, the japanese still fold a thousand cranes for those who are sick.
2) during my youth expedition project, the muslim militants bombed the schools. it happened just one day before we visited huay khom school. prior to that, it was often featured in the newspaper but it never seemed realistic enough because it was far from home and far from our hearts. anyway, the thai government then appealed to the people to fold millions and millions of cranes to beg for peace in the region. the village kids really started folding cranes. i saw ale, atu, aba and one of their friends squatting by the candlelight, folding cranes in semi-darkness, leaning intently towards the candlelight just to borrow its glow. i folded because i wanted to see the villagers safe from all harm. to see the kids grow up. to see the hilltribe people advocate for their rights in the thai society. to have peace in the region. didn't know that it was such a dua dai ji until i came back to singapore and read the news. it was the headlines. the government airplanes/helicopters scattered a few million cranes over the southern region to signify desperation for peace. alas, it didn't work and till today, the fighting goes on.
3) even back in singapore, the song he xiang mi company came up with this scheme that for every crane you fold, you will donate a bowl of rice to one of their five beneficiaries. i remember our yep peepz gathering early in the morning before school to fold cranes, because cranes fold a special place in our hearts. and it's gonna happen for famine camp too. :)
4) because someone used to fold cranes for me.
thus, everytime i fold a crane, i'm reminded of God's unconditional love. everytime i fold a crane, i'm reminded of how blessed i am. i remember the struggles and the hope people profess for the peace that is seemingly impossible to grasp. i'm reminded of the inner stability and peace we singaporeans take for granted. the luxuries that have long become a necessity. everytime i fold a crane, i feel God's presence blanket the world, the world He created for you and me.
that's why i always fold cranes.
He's my way
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Daddy spoke. i didn't really expect to encounter Him that much during this camp. He spoke. i didn't expect Him to speak in the ways He did but it was so different yet refreshing.
i went to camp not wanting to make any friends. but i did. no regrets. haha.
and i think i have inactive tear glands. :( boo. boo. BOO.
worship under the stars was fantastic. :) that night, Daddy said that He wanted me to be happy and joyful. He wanted joy to fill my life like the numerous stars in the sky. even in my sleep that very night, He told me that He wants me to walk joyfully in the light. pastor prayed for us individually. thoughts and questions were swimming in my head prior to that and as pastor prayed, i felt like God was really really speaking even though pastor didn't know what i was thinking. i was like WOOOW. use me, Father. i am willing.
i told some stuff to meijin i never imagined i would ever say out loud. (ok la. write to someone. cause i communicated using letters) this is also the first time i ever felt such strong comfort though she didn't speak a word.
the Lord wants me to let go. as the sun rose, He spoke. He said that it's a new beginning for me once more and He wants me to let go of the past and live joyfully. Jehovah Rophe, my healer. the sky holds many answers, if you look carefully. quality time with God was however disrupted.. was feeling a tad disappointed. as i walked back to prepare to go for famine training camp. i felt unfulfilled because i have not really laid down every burden down at the cross and i still harboured unGodly feelings within me. i have not really submitted to Him fully. and i didn't want to leave till i could. but i had to. the Lord affirmed that He wants me to go for famine camp a few days earlier. but i was so tired and i was so whiny and i was so unfulfilled that i toyed with the idea of skipping the camp. thank God, i overcame that surge of disobedience and trudged my way to the famine camp. (even though i wanted to jump at almost all the oncoming cars on my way out)
was i glad i went! :) felt so much better after arriving because i could feel His sweet presence lingering in the vicinity. even though i have watched the videos, have been through the briefings and programmes a few times, i met really passionate people. Lord, lead me. :) i really feel the strong urge to enlarge His territories.
God spoke so much so much, some of which i am not comfortable sharing here. He is real. and His love is so wide and so deep and so high and so long. He loves me so much. and you too.
i need a prayer. anyone?
He's my way
Saturday, June 10, 2006
i'm so tired that i can feel my brain cells exploding in my head.
God spoke! :D however, i only slept for about 5 hours in the past 2 days and my fingers are actually slidding off the keyboard. i want to blog and tell you of God's almighty power and presence but the flesh is weak. tomorrow? :)
Jesus loves me this i know. :)
He's my way
Thursday, June 08, 2006
i'm off to livingstones camp and famine training camp and i'm gonna have a blasting good time! :D
see ya soon! ;)
He's my way
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
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cycled in the rain with my class girls today. bad weather, bad weather! it was pouring. thank God He led us to east coast park instead of sentosa! or else we will be stranded on that little island. thank you! :D
i was just thinking. singaporean youths know the price of everything but not the value of none. we are so self-centred, so narrow-minded. we are so unaware of our surroundings and the world around us! everything revolves around me, myself and i. is this what the singapore education system molded us to be? where's that injection of humanity? where's the love in the world and where's the love for one another, even strangers we do not know? indeed, this is a dog eat dog world. now, who do you push the blame to? the government for planning such a rigid albeit world class education system? our parents for being the typical kiasu, deferential good citizens who cling on to every command that the paternal government issues? or ourselves? for not realising how fortunate and blessed we are. we are. very. very very very. just look around you.
and with this, i have decided to go for the famine camp and skip the last day of church camp. unless the Lord enters my dreams and tells me otherwise. you know, indecisiveness often gets the better of me. i am so overly-ambitious. so greedy that i want to do everything under the sun. something i have to learn. but yingchao, thank you for the refreshing touch amidst the mundane week. indeed, there are many ways to serve God and i can serve God, the people and the nations in other areas too. i won't be a better christian just because i sacrifice certain things for the other. :)
Heavenly Daddy, i love you! i really do! lead me and guide me and bring me to wherever you want me to serve! :) i love you so much i will do anything for you. :)
He's my way
Monday, June 05, 2006
Daddy listens.
He's my way
Sunday, June 04, 2006
hello.
i guess that this is a letter never to be sent out. i guess that you will never read this. yes, but nicole dear, this is what i want to tell you.
earlier this week, i was reflecting and praising the Lord for this marvellous journey that He has led me to. then, i thought of you. you were a vital and crucial pillar of support in my first steps towards Daddy, when i was so fresh and young in His eyes. i relied and depended so heavily on you and you were always there for me. to listen to the concerns so silly and the questions so naive. you were just a sms away.
you deciphered my first dream, even though you and i were both not aware of that at that point in time. alas, that was the first of many dreams i had.
nicole, i guess you will be glad to hear that i have learnt to rely on others now, and that i am now growing to love the cell group more and more. no longer acquaintances but sisters. i know that you will be rejoicing with me that Daddy is working in my household and in my life. He is so real! there are so many stories i want to share with you. but i don't know how.
indeed, it was awkward as we conversed today. the conversation might have seemed superficial but i was still glad. you were still so reassuring, you still seem so wise. i was glad that i could see the old nicole in you. no, nicole, you didn't brush me aside 2 years ago. i was also being difficult and i didn't know how to react. it takes 2 hands to clap, remember? what a pity we have drifted apart so much we barely converse now.
i never had a chance to thank you. you never knew how much i appreciate you. but still, i want to praise God for you. :) my spiritual journey would not have started with such an awesome bang. thank you for sharing, thank you for all your teachings, thank you for being there in the past.
nicole, i miss you.
in-His-love,
yafen
He's my way
Saturday, June 03, 2006
i want to say--> "YUUUCKS! I DON'T LIKE GUYS."
hmmmprh. -stands with arms akimbo-
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anyway, on my way to suntec to meet huimin, michelle and sammie, i met several people participating in flag day for two organisations. hmmm. flag days. what do you think of them? as you donate, do you think and reflect on the cause behind the organisation? i never believed in flag days. i never believed in flag days because of the insincere, unwilling volunteers who didn't even know the story behind those metal tins. (ok. that's a sweeping statement.) i never believed in donation tickets because of the high commission the *ahem* volunteers get. i didn't really understand why all these donations were necessary after working in a vwo and i didn't understand why these donations can be used for movie tickets, staff dinner at hotels, parking fees yada yada. but now, my mindset has shifted slightly and i realised that sincere or not, the tins are still there waiting to be fed. and contrary to what i believe in, flag days are actually the main fundraising avenue for most vwos. my vwo raised a 6 digit sum from flag day alone. should i still stop to donate? i want to believe in what i am donating for. i want to donate because i believe that this money will be channelled to the beneficiaries directly or indirectly. i do not want to donate because that sticker can be used as an amulet to keep me safe from flag-gers. Lord, fill me with compassion!
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and the swings at blk 340 are gone! -gasp- T_T used to -cough cough- study there with daniel and terence. but we would just hold our notes and swing the afternoons away. dan used to blame me for swinging all our results away cause we didn't do too well for mid years and we never went there before exams again. haha. oh. memories of yesterday. :)
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i can't wait to start school.
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Heavenly Daddy, i miss you so much. please... come back?
He's my way
Friday, June 02, 2006
hi again. -waves-
i'm liberated from work. :) didn't like it when i was in the main office for the past 3 weeks. ok la, 9 days. cause i still got to go back to the bishan branch. at least, now that i am liberated, i can still volunteer at a sector i love the most. with the aep students. :) we went hiking at macritchie yesterday. :) gabby refused to let go of me yesterday and i had to peel her hands away. :( i didn't see laura yesterday. heard that last friday she had a fit and she tumbled down a few flights of stairs and sustained injuries. half of her face is blue-black and pus-sy and swollen and everything. T_T God bless you, laura.
met an ami on my last day of work. its ear was chipped off. :( WHO CHIPPED IT OFF! :( i'll go and scold you! it followed me for a distance after i left. :( the colour combi of the furcoat was so pretty and rare. it was such a guai ami. it kept cuddling against my legs. byebye ami, God bless you wherever you go. and oh, ami means cat.
auntie gave me an angpow on 31st. :( the tattered angpow zhua. 10 bucks, which meant alot for her. in broken dialect, we conversed. auntie was widowed at 20+ and she has no children and so she stays alone. auntie is 69 and she still works as a cleaner at down syndrome association. auntie wanted to steam bakchang for me cause i told her it was duan wu jie. it broke my heart when i had to tell her that it was my last day there. auntie gave me an angpow secretly and she said not to tell the others cause she doesn't have enough money. auntie said by the time i come back from london, she will be 73 and she probably won't be around. auntie said that she doesn't want to work anymore. i hate to think of auntie being all alone at home. auntie say the angpow is for good luck good luck. (ok she said zik gai ang zhuai hor le heng heng, tak zhi kiang kiang) she said study hard and all the best. God bless you, auntie. thank you so much.
this is getting too wordy. i'm boring YOU.
He's my way
hi. -waves-
i want to praise the Lord.
1) driving lesson went smoothly. :D i suddenly remembered how to drive after suddenly forgetting how to drive. :) i didn't stall at all! the last lesson, i stalled till the world stopped spinning. :D guess why i suddenly stopped stalling. you know why? cause God was with me.
2) ministry of health finally finally gave me the affirmation that i can go to ucl! yeaaah. i'm finally really going to ucl. i am going to london! praise the Lord. Daddy really opens doors for me. present tense. yees. He is so good to me. :) sook yee and jane will be in the same uni as me. :) i have friends there! :D
3) got another volunteering opportunity. :) after weighing my options, i decided to go for y camp! :) thank you Lord, for giving me this chance.
I will praise the Lord as long as I live. I will sing praises to my God even with my dying breath. - psalm 146:2
He's my way
